Last night seems like a dream to me now, especially as I have spent the majority of the day alone here – not bad, but just alone. You in that motley dress seems like something that cannot be anymore, not here, or for me. Those boot should only be something that stomps over my heart. You across the table from me, even at that oppressive restaurant, was like I was on a date with Audrey Hepburn.
The weird thing about all of this, G, is that I have been through enough therapy now to strip me bare; to strip my thoughts about me and you bare. I realize now that there was a dependence, at least on my part – an addiction to you that probably was unfair to both of us. I have been led down a path that allows me to view these facts a little more objectively now. I have been stripped bare.
The fact is, though, at the end of every day, I still am so in love with you. I talked to Steve about this recently and he finally acquiesced. I feel that I may have finally taught my therapist something after all of the lessons he has given me. After all the bad, and anger, and frustration, and humiliation, and depression that I have felt after our breakup, I still love you, want you, and think that you are what I have always searched for. This has been liberating for me. To know that I was not living a lie, is incredibly freeing.
I am glad that you are finding God again on your own terms, and in a way that makes sense to you. I have managed to do that too. It, too, is incredibly liberating.
You spoke last night of seeing beauty in things again. I do that too, and it makes things seem so worth living for now. Today I saw a tandem, child-mother, bike rolling through the Highlands and it brought tears to my eyes, out of the blue, completely unexpected.
The world energizes me now in the way that you once did. Not that you have lost the capability of doing that. Last night, hugging you on the side of McLendon – on your end – made me tingle with life and contentment as well. My life tends to fill me up these days: the things I see, feel, experience…
I still hope for us though. I feel like I found what I was looking for once, and I do not feel I was mistaken. It may not ever be able to be again. I understand that. I am willing to leave it up to God and time as well. I do think that you still hang around for a reason though. You do not think of me in Hell for a reason. I think this still hurts us both for a reason as well. I think we realize that there was, and possibly still is, potential there. I don’t know that you have ever experienced anything like you felt with me, and I know I have never felt anything like I felt, and feel, for you.
I see a beauty in you now, with your new mindset and quest, that I never experienced before – not that you needed any more beauty. You are still the most incredible and infectious person I have ever been around, even after the dependancy has been stripped away.
I hope you have slept well. I hope you always do. I hope occasionally, though, that you miss me holding you tight. I miss the request, just as much as my arms miss you.