drunk with his muse

I don’t know what little readership I have here, but I kind of wanted to tell everyone of my sins. Given my ambivalence on whether God exists and all, I know not who to confess my sins to, so I thought it would be best to admit my sins publicly, and if everyone else could hear it, surely God could hear it too.
It is 4 AM on the morning and Grier and I have been broken up for some 10 hours now. My parents have come in town this weekend for a visit, and emotional rescue of sorts, and things have not worked out as well as I had hoped. I awake a few minutes ago with cold arms and tried to warm them and get back to sleep. The split second that it took to decide to put my arms back under the covers was enough, however, to let in the reality of what has gone on.
G is gone. She told me today maybe it could work in the future, but it definitely cannot work right now. That we needed a clean break in order to work on the things that we individually need to work on. Hers may be finding out if someone else is more suited for her than I am and I imagine some other things. Mine are much more.
I have been bad, very bad. I have kissed another woman once early in our relationship, during the time G says, and I somewhat agree, was the good time in our relationship. It was my mistake. I should never have done it, and will never again. At the time, however, it only proved how deep my love for her had gotten so quickly. The kiss was awkward, and quick, and I immediately felt guilt and great swells of love for G. I vowed then that I never would do such a thing again, and I have not.
I thought G was the ONE though. I thought she was the one from the moment I drove to her sisters apt on June 21, 2003 after being out with my friend, because I could not bear not to see her for another minute, and we sat on the porch and talked and smoked cigarettes for much of the night, and I saw no less than 5 shooting stars.
In the midst of a bout of unemployment and indecision about a big move, I fell head over heels for a girl from Spartanburg, SC. I think most of you know how in love I was, and am. There’s another part to the story though.
My other sins were much bigger though. I know many of you who I talk to regularly have heard me talk of “drunken belligerence” directed toward G. I don’t know where it came from and I am not sure still. However, I think mostly it came from low feelings about myself, feelings of not being worthy of a woman like G, of fear that she would leave me one day and to take control of that, I should hasten the departure.
I had a dark side, an evil side, and it was fueled by alcohol. “Drunken belligerence” is euphemistic. I would get drunk and fall to pieces and start to curse her, her family, her friends. As she told me yesterday, I would call her a “whore and slut” and would generally denigrate the things that were closest to her.
She became fearful of me, and while it never came to physical violence, I understand if she felt that it could one day. I understand why she wanted to run, and I guess I understand why she finally did yesterday.
I don’t fully know why I started or continued this behavior. I know that drinking had something to do with it, especially in great quantities. I also know that she tried to love me through it all, to fix it through love, and I am grateful for the attempt. I am not grateful for, or even respectful of myself, for not taking that love for what it was and making the change happen. I am sick tonight with guilt and regret. How could I shit on the thing I had waited all of my adult life for? How could I have shit on this woman who I consider to be the one? Why didn’t I stop earlier before it came to this? Why didn’t I stop earlier out of simple humanity? I feel so evil inside. I still feel so unworthy of a woman as good as her. I want to be better, to be made whole again. I want to feel happiness, simple and innocent happiness, and peace.
I am writing all of this because I cannot figure out any other way to get back to sleep. My mind is racing with all of these thoughts and they are keeping me awake. I didn’t know what else to do. I am at a loss, but am tired.
To G, and God, and all of you reading or listening. Find it in your hearts to forgive me. Find it in your prayers a little word for me, in hopes that I will be a better man, so that I might one day find again many things that I have lost, and especially the one big thing… and that I won’t squander it all if my search is fruitful. I repent. I repent. I repent. I repent…
Bryan