Wishing

I drive past your house tonight and you, most likely, have been in bed for a couple of hours already. I don’t even really know what I have been doing out in this night. Perhaps it is restlessness, maybe a search. I too am still looking for answers, ones that I expect will ultimately be impossible to lay my hands on, but that still will be found through the process.
I know you are gaining your independence, you are feeling less tied to others, and on some level that feels good to you right now, as it should. I know that you feel so let down by so many too. I wish that you didn’t have to feel that way. I know that I play at least a small part in that feeling and I am sorry that I could not have been light and positive substance and uplift. I am sorry I was such a destructive force. I think you have tried to forgive me, but have yet to be able to fully do so. I hope it will come one day. To that end, I do not want to continue to burden you. I feel like you are so full of rage lately that you have very little patience for me, and I hesitate to even mention it for fear of being seen, once again, as another burden. I do not want to be that for you.
I feel that despite your independence, and the positivity therein, you are still so fundamentally sad and angry on many levels. Although I realize that it is futile to even try, I still wish that I could make it all better. I wish I could give you another positive thing to believe in that would help take away the rage and the sucky-world feeling. I can tell you that I do not feel that it is, but I guess my circumstances are different than yours right now. There’s not much I can do to help, so know that tonight I am doing all I feel I can. I am writing this, and I am hoping and praying that things start to be better, happier, more worth suffering for the potential reward.
I remember how excited you were when Gates told you she was pregnant. That was the night before you and I broke up. I also remember your excitement at finding out about the twins, and the sadness at the loss of the one. I remember even just a few weeks before delivery, you talking so excitedly about it. I also remember the anxious anticipation that you had during the last days of her pregnancy, and the morning of the delivery when you called me from IHOP where you were giggling with your mom. I wish that that excitement was still the way in which you could regard Gates and the Clary now. I know the reasons why it is difficult right now, but I can still wish and pray for that for you too. You may feel you have been forsaken by many, Grier, especially many men – and I know that I acted like such an ass at times – but please don’t doubt my love. I loved you through it all, I love you through this now as well, and I hope to love you through what you will face in the future. Whether you want or need it, know that it is always there.