Through the windows of my house tonight, there are dark figures laughing at me. Some of them are jesters, laughing at the fool that I am. I never saw that it would workout this way. Never learned such things in school or from mom and dad. Love, caring, kinship and all that stuff were supposed to be good things… beyond reproach, right? If you could find all of those things, you surely had at least a good friend, possibly a spouse, someone, at least, that would be there for life, or until those things waned.
The jesters are laughing at me even through their sad masks tonight. All life is lived in a sequence of contradictions. That this love, this care, this kinship could be the precise reason why we can’t go on seems unfair. Not as friends, or lovers, or nothing.
I thought I had it all figured out at 16. I would marry her shortly after we both graduated from the college that we would both be attending. And then again at 21, I thought it would be her with the child-bearing hips and malleable person. My fair lady. Then I floundered about for several years and found the thing that made me realize that all of those other thoughts were so wrong. This time was for real. This is what I didn’t know at any time before. This was surely it.
Every woman before you that I thought I would marry has proven impossible to remain friends with. I have wanted it so much with you. We have tried, through much internal strife and pain for both of us. We surely love and care and feel that kinship, and those are precisely the same reasons we cannot continue, and that seems to be the truth… whether or not it makes any sense to me or you. So we move forward without.
When will I learn that it has to be this way, or just accept it. Just accept it all would be good enough.
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