God! How prescient that I wrote this on the ides of March. I do not believe in mystical foresight but this is the one I told you about and did not post. Know that I am okay, if you even read this anymore. I am full of anger, but okay, and in fact feel as if a very heavy burden has finally been lifted from my chest.
I have thought about these things too long and I need to relieve myself. I have never wanted anything like I want you, before or after the diet. I know that I make you feel good about you, but maybe that is only good enough to push you to the next level. You will meet your husband in Sewanee this summer. I hope you do since I do not meet the requirements.
It is becoming harder and harder to not want to touch you in ways that you would balk at now, that you once would have not balked at, but rather loved.
I can no longer touch your skin like I do. I can no longer want in this way. I have to be Zen. I have to have no desires. That is only responsible where I stand. You will be loved and I will too, but it will not be by each other. I understand these things now. I hope you do too.
I will forever love you. And that will kill me until I decide not to let it any more.
I am good enough, but far too much the failure. Right? Right? And too anxious too.
B
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