I don’t know what it is. Perhaps too much time alone over this weekend. I do know that part of it is that I am broke, and that being broke makes me feel immature, and angry. I know it also has to do with not hearing from CNN about the job, and that makes me feel like I am not good enough. I also know part of it is worrying about mom and what we will find out this week. I need to get home this coming weekend, but I am afraid of what I will be walking in on. I know I probably won’t even notice, but what will mom look like without her rib. I know it is not really logical and it makes no sense.
I guess when I spend time with you sometimes, I feel like a failure too. I tend to think that all of this would be more bearable if you were still with me. I know that kind of thinking was part of the problem, and I also know that our relationship caused more problems than it solved, but somehow in my memory or fantasy of it, it seems like we gave each other strength to get through the hard times, to get through things just like these.
I have been pretty good about not thinking about “me and you” and not wanting “me and you” again. But today was hard. Surely part of it is a very physical longing, but most of it is that you are still the person that I would prefer to spend time with the most. I wish a lot that we could have more than the 45 minutes or an hour that we have. I know that I can do little to move the needle there, but I still wish it at times. Although I have become agitated after leaving you at times, it usually calms me so much to be around you.
I spent much of this weekend thinking about what I am doing with my life. I am not happy with it, but I feel like it is time to start moving forward again. I don’t really know where forward is, but I think I would like to be a father. And I don’t want to be too old to coach a sports team or go to Indian Princesses or all of that other shit that all of the happy young parents get to do. I would like to commit myself to someone and stop living this somewhat meaningless thing I have been living for the past year or so. I do want to worry and care for something other than and in addition to myself.
I know I’ve said all of this before. Perhaps this is my meditation. Say it over and over like a chant and eventually it will become a sound and thus become meaningless, and once it becomes that the longing and hurt that it causes will go away, and maybe the dreams will stop too.
Until then, I miss you and love you, and still wish that it was you that could complete the picture above.
I know there’s a Bonnie Raitt song somewhere in all of this, isn’t there?
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