Tomorrow I start anti-depressants for the first time in my life. After much time resisting and feeling my brain reacting against me time and time again, I finally gave in. I got over my Marxist tendencies to consider it another opiate, a way of making happy workers and happy kids who would grow up to be happy workers and would not question the status quo. I went to a psychiatrist who explained what the research on the brain was in these matters, and I left his office with a two week supply of Wellbutrin XL Extended Release formula.
I am so tired of feeling depressed, and the recent events and changes in my life have not really helped matters in this department.
I don’t feel like I have been myself for several years now. I mean, I have been myself, but have been in a steady decline: losing hope, excitement, exhilaration, and sight of what I was put here for. I had hoped all along I would be able to fix it all myself, but lately I lost hope of this as well.
I fell for short-term euphoria too many times. Decisions made when I was young (and we are young over and over, no matter how old we get) would deliver jolts of happiness that sometime last months, but would ultimately fade, turn bad, and become an aggravating part of the problem.
I hope for no miracles. Just something to help me get to a place where I can work on me. A place where I can start becoming the Bryan that many of you have told me you have missed. I want to be whole again.
Wish me luck. I will keep you posted.
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