It’s nearing 2 AM and game 3 of the World Series is still on the TV. I am still awake watching and trying to get all of my financial information entered into a budgeting and accounting program so taxes and keeping track of expenses will be easier. If you really know me, this doesn’t sound like me at all. With the medication making it so I require less sleep, and the wagon making it so I have extra sober time on my hands, and because I need things to do to keep my mind off the obvious situational difficulties i am having, I do things like getting on top of my finances. I also keep my fingernails pruned and I am reading no less than 5 books concurrently right now.
B dropped by this afternoon and we talked for 15 minutes or so about how the wagon can really do this for you. I never understood when I drank all of the time what how people got so much done in their lives, how they had time for it all. Now that I am on the wagon, I don’t know how I ever got by before. I don’t know how I kept it all together the little bit that I did. It’s like my life, like the baseball game, is having extra innings on a daily basis these days.
Granted, this means extra time to let my thoughts go crazy at times as well. After my weeding remembrances earlier this afternoon, I had a half hour of brief sporadically explosive sobbing episodes, each lasting maybe 15 seconds tops, then I would get back on top of things for awhile. It was smaller memories that I could not even put my finger on really. Sometimes just an image, a still life, G sitting at a table at the Waffle House for instance. I don’t know which time, there were quite a few in many different places. Or it might be her eye, with the mascara smudged under it after sleeping. Just brief little things, causing brief little outbursts. I guess I am still feeling this thing pretty intensely, but it all is getting easier. With all of the financial planning, bodily pruning, reading, writing and worrying I have to do, I don’t know how I could even think about being in a relationship right now.
My heart runs faster these days, and I continue to lose weight, and I still get up early and go to work relatively early as well. Sometimes I feel like I could work around the clock. I have started looking forward to work on most days. It is stable and a good distraction.
I do need to figure out how to get in bed earlier though. After G left, I spent so much time depressed and tired and I could sleep just about anywhere. Now I believe I am finally past that point and I am finally trying to figure out my routine without her in my life. When she was here I would go to bed many times before I was really tired, just because I knew she was laying in that bed. Even if the game was on I would go. Snuggling seemed better than whatever outcome I could possibly witness on the tube. Now it’s just the game, or PBS, or some other thing that can keep me up: this computer, a book of poems, memories, etc.
Looks like the Sox are going to take game three as well. The extra innings are almost over, as are mine. Goodnight, y’all.
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