I know that some of you think that I should be over this by now, and I guess I think it at times too, but I am still struggling with the breakup. G was the one, so I thought and still do to a certain extent, and it is just so hard to get over that.
The days are going on and our relationship now has become mostly electronically epistolary. It is frustrating at times to have to wait for a response to an email, to not be able to just call her up – even more, not to be able to see her. It is odd that one of the people that you love most in the world, and that you think the highest of, is also a person that you cannot just pick up the phone and call. I guess that’s what most people feel when standing on my side of a breakup – a little bit helpless, a little bit crestfallen, and a little bit confused.
It is just as frustrating when you know that person hurts. I mean, you miss the good times, and the physical proximity, but it is when they are hurting and you can do nothing about it that it really hurts. One of the complaints about me in the relationship was that I was not enough of a protector and caretaker. I think I am a caretaker by nature, though, and it pours out of me when I know that G is hurting, confused, frustrated, or getting down on herself. I try to do what I can, but ultimately that is not very much right now, and that leads to the helpless feeling.
I don’t really know how to handle the situation with G, the breakup and all. I have a suspicion that I need to just treat it like it is over for good and start to move on. If eventually we are able to come back together, then that will be a great surprise and delight, but if we don’t, I will be prepared for that as well. I guess that’s what I need to do. i just do not know what the practicalities of such an arrangement are. It’s all confusing, yet I remain hopeful about my life. I remain hopeful about G’s as well. I know that she will figure things out and that the hurt and confusion will eventually start to dissipate. I just wish I could help her right now. I wish I could be a base (emotionally, monetarily, conversationally, etc.) from which she could feel safe and secure enough to get working on her issues. I know that that is not the position I have though. That is what being broken up means.
I am getting stronger and even more hopeful, though. I feel it growing everyday.
I know now that there is a great big and beautiful world out there. There are so many things that I haven’t seen or done that I would like to see and do. I spent a lot of time over the last two years thinking of sharing that exploration of the world with G. I still have some hope that I may get to. But if I don’t get to share it with her, I’m sure there are some great an wonderful things I can see along the way myself. I sure hope there is.
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