Oh, it’s Friday and I greet these weekends with relief and apprehension. They definitely have not gotten back to being the relaxing time they once were, although they slowly move in that direction. I left work early for a 1 PM therapy session only to wait in the waiting area until 1:25, then to find out that my therapist was not in. I knocked on the door and there was no answer. I checked voicemail, but nothing from him. I imagine he either had an emergency, or he simply forgot. I left a message and hope to hear the reason soon.
I am at home now finishing up AJC work and watching the ESPN movie about Roger Bannister. An hour or so ago I had the idea to check my caller ID history to see if G was still on there. The queue holds the last 50 calls and as I went through, 47, 48, 49… 50, there she was. I was half inclined to unplug the phone so she would stay in the queue. My mother then called and now G is off the caller ID entirely. I don’t know why I hang on to these things. I have also been holding onto text messages that span a while back now. One from Aug. 16 says “We can again”. One from Aug. 18 says “i miss u already” from when I was making my way to a plane to Tunica, Miss. From Aug. 29, the Monday before we broke up on Sunday, there is “i love you too baby”. After the breakup there is Sept. 17 with “You too baby”. I probably shouldn’t keep this stuff, but I cannot make myself delete it. I probably shouldn’t have gone through a bunch of our old emails between each other a few weeks back. We expressed lots of love, inquired about whether the other would like to watch movie X that night, what would we like to have for dinner. How was the day going? Work? School? Kids?
I am moving on in so many ways. I am getting better in many ways as well. Those things cannot take the memories away though, and cannot make it any easier, yet, to be without her in my life. It gets a little easier as time goes on, but in many ways the pain is still very fresh. I have so many people who have given me their advice as to how to handle the situation, and I am using some of it, ignoring other bits of it, and trying to do the best I can and what I think is best for me. I know that this will come to pass. I understand why I am going through this, what the benefit could be to me and to G. I am being patient because I realize that my recovery, or the possibility of a reconciliation with G, or her own recovery, cannot really be placed on a timeline, but when she fell off of my caller ID today, it really made me sad for a little while. Logic and reality seem to be so much at odds sometimes.
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