I realize that the hardest to get through time of day that I have is the hour or so after I arrive home every afternoon. When G lived here with me I always seemed to be in a bad mood when I arrived home from work. Looking back, I really do not know why. It seems foolish now. Why wasn’t I happy having the life I had? Now I get home and I am not in a bad mood, just a sad mood. I think every afternoon I start partially daydreaming as I am driving home, and when I get here I expect to find G watching Oprah or taking a nap. It never turns out that way. Walking into the house feels lonely and empty. I think that is why I have started writing this at this time of the day. It gives me something to do until I start feeling better.
Most days I call someone and talk for awhile during this period as well. Sometimes my mother, sometimes dad, sometimes a friend that I know is available. It helps also, but I don’t like getting off the phone. I am so afraid that the emptiness will return again. I have to figure out better ways of dealing with this transition to home every day.
I cannot believe now what a problem I made it when G was still here. I cannot believe that I didn’t realize it could be a lot worse. That indeed she could not be here. That indeed I might not be able to find anyone to discuss my day with. That I could be stuck writing a diary about my experience with Wellbutrin in the afternoons.
Like so many things these days, I am starting to see this too in a new light. Like so many other things, I would like to go back and do it all over but differently this time. The past is unchangeable though. I am starting to realize that more and more. I wish it weren’t, but that’s just the way it is. I think my life from here forth will be lived with a better attitude, more hope, and peace, because I realize what I have lost in not stepping back to see the beauty that was all around me all along.
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