I know I usually write these things later in the evening but I have had some things on my mind since having lunch with T earlier today. While at Manuel’s I told him of starting to wonder whether or not the way I feel, and have tended to handle things is all that radically different that the norm. In other words, am I possibly over-pathologized, or at least do I feel that I am a lot worse off and abnormal than I really am?
The last few weeks have felt like a sprint for me. Initially starting out with a feeling that I am completely screwed up and that I need to quickly begin working on becoming un-screwed-up. Through all of this sprinting, I have not taken time to really analyze just what “screwed up” is and what it means to me. I have begun thinking lately that I may indeed not be so abnormal.
My diagnosis from my therapist is that I have issues of emotional dependency – on others, on alcohol, on cigarettes etc. It is from this condition that he believes that my depression comes. I agree whole-heartedly that I am emotionally dependent, and some work to become a little more emotionally independent is definitely in order. My problem is just knowing exactly what recovery from this condition will look like.
It seems to me that everyone I know depends on other people in some sort of way or other. Whereas it is very important to find happiness within ourself, it seems to me that none of us would be happy without the other people in our lives. This leads me to asking whether or not happiness can entirely be found on your own? Can we become happy with just ourselves… in a vacuum? I think the answer is no. Just as much as “hell is other people”, I believe that a good portion of our happiness comes from other people as well. With this in mind, then what exactly is the goal that I should be working toward?
T said at lunch that maybe I don’t have to be fully happy by myself, but that I should at least like myself more. That seems to make sense and be a more practical approach to this recovery than just searching for a monolithic, yet elusive, happiness. I think I am starting to like myself more lately. I think there is still room for improvement. I think I should like myself more, and I want to reach that state. I can see how achieving that will help me be a happier person as well, but I still contend that full happiness is only possible through contact with others – friends, partners, family etc.
I don’t know where exactly this questioning puts me. I imagine no better or worse than I was when I first started pondering today. I wish that I could have a party right now and have all of you come. Maybe a whole weekend of it. Maybe soon we could try, and maybe that would answer some questions about where happiness comes from.
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