I awoke on day 2 much better than the day before. No scarey dreams or anything of that nature. A little of the hit in the gut feeling, still forgetting while sleeping the changes that have occurred. I immediately recovered fairly well though. I had another bowl of cold cereal and took another 150 mg of Wellbutrin XL. I felt calmer and more energized, some of which had to do with the phone call that came out-of-the-blue from G the night before. My primary emotional problem on a day-to-day basis is how much I am missing her, and it was nice that she called.
Work went along okay and I left at 3 PM to go home and then on to my therapy appointment, where we discussed my dream from the other night, and how all of this emotion I am having are probably amplified by my not drinking. My therapist also thinks I need to think of the current situation differently. That I am trying to break emotional dependence not a relationship, love, desire or anything like that. I felt better having a different paradigm to work with. After Tuesday’s zombie routine, I was in a bad state and I needed to have better tools to deal with such feelings.
Tom and I, once again made plans for dinner. I texted G and asked her what she was doing for the evening, to which I received a phone call response. We talked for about an hour, and I let her talk some this time. It was good overall. I learned some things about the situation that I did not know before. She expressed her love many times, but also expressed anger and frustration for what I did. I still feel much guilt about it all, but she finally said she was pround of the progress I am making. I am proud too, but helps to hear others say it. I hope the progress continues at the clip that it is going.
I find myself praying more these days. Two, three, four times or more a day. Usually once while I am sitting at my desk at work. It’s usually the same or a similar prayer. Asking for forgiveness, for a strength and a pathway to happiness, and that if God ever gives me again the gift that I once squandered, I will be so much better to her the next time.
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