The last month plays like a dream now. I am not sure where the things to touch are and what parts I have simply conjured. Robert and Chicago and Asheville and Tom Waits. As Robert said on the way to the airport, it is hard to believe that we actually saw him. That we were in the same room. I cannot even remember all of the details now, it is just a bright ambient light, a sense of warmth, yet still like a dream. I thought it could not be topped until Saturday night. I don’t romanticize our evening. I don’t think it necessarily means something concrete. It’s was comfortable, and relaxed and old in that good way. I had forgotten how you felt in my arms. How it felt for you to be holding me. I forgot how well we sleep together. I don’t think I have slept that well in a while. I have dreamt of that night many times in the last year. I wondered would I ever be back in that bed, under that comforter, sidled beside you. In the sense that it happened it was the realization of those dreams, and thus dreamlike too. I do hope it wasn’t the last time. I can’t believe right now that it is. I could spend my life sleeping beside...
Laying in the living room of this Chicago flat tonight, I lie on this air mattress and dream of you resting beside me. There are not enough pillows for me to hug you the way I do on a normal night. There are not enough ways for me to describe what all of this means. I am relegated to this room because you are not here and will not be and that will be better for the enjoyment of these boys, but I long for a day in which you are back here with me. Your smiling face meeting their smiling face. They do love you, you know? It was told to me tonight as being so. I realize now, and finally, that you are not the vampires with which I tend to tarry these days. I never wanted to suck you dry. I feel, and Robert agrees, that you have my best interest at heart. All of the other women want me for them. You, to the extent that you want me, want me for the both of us. I want that too. I wish I could teleport you beautiful and perfectly tanned ass to this room as I am writing this. Not for sex, or even conversation, just for a cuddle and an affirmation that I have never had it better, and maybe you have never had it better...
You are organic to me, so much like earth and water and air – good stuff, like those things at the Grand Canyon perhaps, or Macchu Picchu, where I imagine awe-inspired peace. To be around you like last night is to find so much comfort. It has always been that way, from the beginning, even the times when it may not have been like it. Those times I was a boy on a playground having issues with the strength of my feelings. I apologize again. If you would have asked me in October would we be able to spend time like we do now in July, I would have completely dismissed any such speculation. This is still like a dream to me, like you are at times, like the Grand Canyon can only be to me right now as well. I honestly thought that this could never be. That we would drift further and further from each other until we were just specks on the horizon of our pasts. I am glad the sea changed and brought us back closer, and into better focus. My aching heart has not fully mended. Sometimes I feel like there is only one thing that can make that happen. But I have joy. Joy in the fact that I have attacked my problems and gotten most of them under control, and joy in the fact that when I returned with these repairs that you were willing to let me back in. Even though it is not completely what I want, I am so happy for us to get to spend time together the...
For G, Hope you enjoy this one at least half as much as you did the first. I love you. B So I started reading the new Jonathan Safran Foer book tonight, cracking the cover and leafing through the first few pages only to come across that inscription. It was dated 21 August 2005. Do the quick and easy math I put together that that was about two weeks before we officially broke it off. You know I keep all of the dates in my head. Sometimes I wonder why. I know that an important date that will be hard for me to get through is coming up. I may decide to sleep through it, or I may just decide to smile through the whole thing. I remember the day we got the book I started tonight. It was during those dreamlike days when it was all falling apart. I say dreamlike because they weren’t really a nightmare, I just spent them feeling as if I was walking around outside of myself, or I wasn’t walking around at all. When I did come to my senses I felt such despair, and the rushing desire to make it all okay – to solve the problem with one move. I guess I thought a book might do it that day that we were in Barnes and Noble together. I guess I was grabbing at straws. I guess I thought a trip to the mountains, even if it was a cheesy little tourist trap, might solve it all. Seeing those mountains, something so much larger than us, or seeing the river that...
I hope your feet are rested. I hope the baby was good. I hope your dreams are sweet. Tomorrow will be fine. Tomorrow will be fine. Wear your pride, your confidence, like a badge of honor. I wish that your supple back recline in slumber without a worry in the world. I wish for love to come into your life, for this world is more beautiful when your love is in...
I drive past your house tonight and you, most likely, have been in bed for a couple of hours already. I don’t even really know what I have been doing out in this night. Perhaps it is restlessness, maybe a search. I too am still looking for answers, ones that I expect will ultimately be impossible to lay my hands on, but that still will be found through the process. I know you are gaining your independence, you are feeling less tied to others, and on some level that feels good to you right now, as it should. I know that you feel so let down by so many too. I wish that you didn’t have to feel that way. I know that I play at least a small part in that feeling and I am sorry that I could not have been light and positive substance and uplift. I am sorry I was such a destructive force. I think you have tried to forgive me, but have yet to be able to fully do so. I hope it will come one day. To that end, I do not want to continue to burden you. I feel like you are so full of rage lately that you have very little patience for me, and I hesitate to even mention it for fear of being seen, once again, as another burden. I do not want to be that for you. I feel that despite your independence, and the positivity therein, you are still so fundamentally sad and angry on many levels. Although I realize that it is futile to even...
You will be so outstanding. You deserve this. I don’t even think I understand the thing that has been bequeathed to me. I have thought about moving back there to be with those kids. I miss you so much. I am sorry I ever lied to you. Thanks for believing tonight that I was real. I try to be. I want to be that. I think that that is where I am supposed to be. I wish that you would make me yours, so I might make you mine. That is the only way this can happen. You will not get this until Monday; of course my desire will not change. My feelings have never faltered. You have always been the one. I want to meet Clary. Maybe...
Do you know tonight that JT has been here? I saw that you called earlier. We’ve been doing the thing that we do… out with family, beautiful family, and children. You knew me when his father died. Still as close as I’ve ever come. I guess it will all come to haunt me one day. I think I know god these days, but I am not sure that he has prepared me for that yet. Do you also know that the nights we spent in this bed, we became locked in rhythm? That’s a funny word. Doesn’t even look right on paper. I could feel your heart beat through your back as I clenched you tightly, and you held me so close. Our hearts beat as one for a while there. I kissed your bare back, and would. J and I stared at a picture of you in Helen today. I know that was a disaster weekend, but you were so beautiful. We were trying to keep something alive amidst a sense of death. I loved you then as much as ever. I wish we cold have just simply slept together. That I could have simply felt your heart exploding through your spine and back, and into my heart, like I always thought you intended it to. Know that I have always loved you the most. Know that you taught me what it is to feel that. Know that your face turned my heart totally. You have power that I love, and embrace. I hear morning birds singing… for me, and for you. I love you so much,...
There’s a pregnant commercial on the TV and the woman is scooping ice cream or yogurt or something off of her stomach as she laughs. You would be so beautiful in that state. This is surely silly. Love you, B
If you could only hear it through my ears, it would make the world seem right. Like you hear with me last night. I guess I convinced myself for a while that nothing had changed. That you were here and cleaning and I wanted to help, and did to the extent that was permissible. I don’t know, G. It was only awkward that you had to leave and that I could not hold you in that bed for the night. No naughtiness, just a tight slumber embrace. Just to feel you close to me. Just close to me. There’s one thing I want to say, so I’ll be brave, you gave you what you wanted, I gave what I gave, I’m not sorry I met you, I AM sorry it’s over, I’m not sorry there’s nothing to say…. so there’s nothing to...
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