I know I usually write these things later in the evening but I have had some things on my mind since having lunch with T earlier today. While at Manuel’s I told him of starting to wonder whether or not the way I feel, and have tended to handle things is all that radically different that the norm. In other words, am I possibly over-pathologized, or at least do I feel that I am a lot worse off and abnormal than I really am? The last few weeks have felt like a sprint for me. Initially starting out with a feeling that I am completely screwed up and that I need to quickly begin working on becoming un-screwed-up. Through all of this sprinting, I have not taken time to really analyze just what “screwed up” is and what it means to me. I have begun thinking lately that I may indeed not be so abnormal. My diagnosis from my therapist is that I have issues of emotional dependency – on others, on alcohol, on cigarettes etc. It is from this condition that he believes that my depression comes. I agree whole-heartedly that I am emotionally dependent, and some work to become a little more emotionally independent is definitely in order. My problem is just knowing exactly what recovery from this condition will look like. It seems to me that everyone I know depends on other people in some sort of way or other. Whereas it is very important to find happiness within ourself, it seems to me that none of us would be happy without the other people in...
Today began late. I any of you noticed the timestamp on last night’s post, you will see that I was up late. I awoke this morning around 11, immediately got a Diet Coke and popped my Wellbutrin. Last night was somewhat of a blur. Too many stimuli, felt like nights that I have been nostalgic for many times over recent years. Interesting conversation with interesting people about things that most of the time would seem so un-ininteresting, but that due to the circumstances are just perfect. Today was lazy though. I limited my stimuli. I wanted to just be comatose and not care for a while. I watched football, while keeping up with my second loss in a row in my fantasy league (damn those Dunaway boys!). T came over with a pizza in the middle of the afternoon and we ate and napped and I played video poker. T left shortly before 6 to go play real poker with the understanding that we would mee later for dinner, which we did after pinball, club soda, popcorn, conversation. My original goal of not caring (too much), the one I made at the beginning of the day, is almost complete now. I have managed to go through the day without too much care and I have to say it has felt pretty good. There was none of the beating myself up that had characterized many of my days lately. There was none of the mind-racing over-analysis, none of the what-ifs, and none of the concern with much of anyone but me, and how I could make it through the day...
Okay, I guess this is the way it should be. I finally have reached the point that I have stayed up with my friends until way in the morning. Colleen has kissed me on the cheek in front of her other to tell me good night; to thank me for being a good club soda patron. It is too late. I am too old to do this kind of reconnaissance and I want to make everyone happy. I spent some time time talking to K tonight who probably gave me the best advice – spliced into the middle of tales of anal sex exploits. He told me that I needed to figure out who I was, a scary proposition. Who am I? He agreed upon my litany that G and I have lots to work with, and although he wanted to kiss me, and me not him, that I was overall a good person, a talented person and that I needed to share that with the world. I think I am going to be alright. I think I am going to be good. I think I am good. Me and 300 mg of Wellbutrin a day is something I can now sink my teeth into. There is missing and longing and desire, but there is serenity and hope and belief. There’s even God a little mixed in there. I don’t know what some of my friends will think of that, but there it is. Take it as you see fit. I am on an upswing. Don’t worry about me any longer. She’s still the love of my life and...
Today was a departure from the norm lately. I awoke again to no Diet Coke (things I seemed to always take care of when G was in the house have become, apparently, less urgent now), no cereal today either. I had to go to my therapist earlier today than usual, an 11 AM appointment. Afterwards, I had lunch with T and then came back home to work. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just a day, too much time spent again on technical issues. Later in the late afternoon/early evening G called and we talked and I broke down a bit. I try so hard not to. I want to be strong and good and something worthy of her, or anyone else’s for that matter, affection. I think I have been walking through this week trying to steer a middle path between the peaks and valleys that I have been experiencing lately, and today it all just came to a head, I had to let out the missing and sadness that was still inside. I had even broken down during my session a little earlier in the day. I think it was the first time I had allowed myself to really think about the situation in a few days. I had managed to distract myself for much of the week with various technical issues and projects. The conversation with G was up and down. She was irritated that I was still so sad. It seems to me that sometimes there is comfort for her in my sadness, and at others it really bothers her. I am doing so much to...
Today began almost like the others, a small emptiness in the stomach, 300 mg of Wellbutrin, skip the Cheerios, had no Diet Coke in the house. Stayed up too late last night working on the new laptop that my aunt just bought me and from which I am now wirelessly writing this. Long story about working on it, but now I have it up and running, but cannot connect to the AJC network. I need to revert to a previous version of the OS. Does this bore you? It kind of bores me, and I know what I am talking about. Too much time spent on technical dilemmas. Anyway, I awoke and got up and made it out the door 300 mg heavier but 3 lbs. lighter than I was last week at this time. I am glad to be losing the weight, but am thinking of going to see a doctor to make sure that there’s not anything else wrong. In fact the weight loss is one of only two things that I have been able to recognize as being purely good about my current situation. The other thing is that it makes work and all of the things that I previously viewed as troublesome look much more rosey. I look forward to going to work most days, and my dreams for the future don’t seem so insurmountable, if I can make it through this type of time. G and I have not talked since Tuesday. She called yesterday after work but I was at my therapist for our midweek session. I called and left a message and...
Today, again began like the rest, except this time with a 300 mg dose of Wellbutrin XL. My prescription has doubled, apparently to the standard dose. I have been told that any binge drinking on this dosage would run the risk of causing seizures. If my sanity and recovery weren’t enough to keep me from drinking, this scarey possibilty surely is more than an added incentive. Today was up and down and up again. I am finishing the day on an upswing. Played tennis earlier with new friends. Went to Outback for filet with T and L. I am feeling lonely still, but more clearheaded now. I don’t know if it is the meds, or if it is just getting better. A lot of the white noise that used to buzz about in my head seems to have dissipated. I am enjoying things a little more. Still sad and lonely and very missing of G. I can start to see a light at the end of the tunnel a little bit though. I don’t know exactly what I will find when I get there, but I am willing to go...
Today began like the rest during this experiment. I awoke, ate a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, popped the top on a Diet Coke and then popped my 150 mg Wellbutrin XL. I went to work for a while and then had an appointment with the prescribing doctor at 3PM. We talked for an hour. He told me that he could tell that I was feeling better, that my demeanor was more upbeat and I looked to have energy. He asked me where I would like to be in five years, and I laughed. At times it is hard for me to know where I want to be in five days, much less five years. All I could come up with was: 1) I would like to be married (kid[s] optional in 5 years), 2) I would like to have a mortgage, and 3) I would like to have ventured into a larger more significant writing project (publishing optional). We talked about how education and creativity open us up to many more options than some people have. I told him that that leads to the “cable television effect”, the one where when we only had three network broadcast channels on TV there was always something good to watch, but now that we have over 200 there is never anything worth watching. We become paralyzed by choice, and I think this has been a predicament for much of my adult life. I have a bit of musical talent, a bit of writing talent, a bit of design talent… but how could I ever choose to pursue one of these solely,...
Yesterday was Day 6. Still not really feeling any effect from the drug that I can really feel. I got up as usual, another 150 mg, and then to the gym for some treadmill time. I have lost 17 lbs. since robert left at the beginning of August. I am not really trying to lose weight, but if there’s a silver lining to all that is going on, that is surely it. I spent most of the day relatively comfortably alone yesterday, only stepping out to play pool with Tommy for an hour late in the afternoon. G called last night and gave me the update on the wedding over the weekend. We talked and I believe I was more updbeat than I have been lately. I am starting to not care as much. Not that I don’t care, I just don’t care as much. I realize that there are so many things about my situation right now that are out of my hands, and that I need to stop worrying about the things I cannot actively do anything about. I really need to just keep on track with my personal plan and things will work out for the best, no matter what that is. I know it sounds a bit pop-psychy, but I’ll keep telling myself...
I am reading a book about a guy who starts to take medication for chronic indecision. He has real trouble making event the most basic choices – whether to go to dinner with his girlfriend, out with friends etc. He starts taking the “experimental” drug for his condition, and at this point in the novel he is even more paralyzed, putting off making decisions for a week or so, until the drug starts working. I feel like that is somewhat where I am on my new regiment of Wellbutrin. I am starting to set up strategies to deal with my new circumstances, but am wondering if the medication will make me need new strategies – or at least different ones – once the medication starts to work. I have been told it will be 2 weeks to a month before the real effects will be found, and I am only 5 days into my treatment. I have moments of relaxation and clarity, but those many times give way to confusion, anxiety and over-analysis of even the smallest details of my situaiton. I don’t know how or if Wellbutrin will help with these, I hope so. But I feel that I cannot just wait until the medication kicks in before I really start dealing with these tendencies. If you read this and have advice, I am open to...
Yesterday was day 3. Same bowl of serial, another 150 mg. Tommy told me I needed to build a morning routine, and I guess I kind of have it now. It is anchored around taking my medication. My day went well, minimal amount of the blues, until I was coming home. It was then I realized that I had been having a bit of anxiety related to spending the whole night alone last night. I arrived at the house after work to find the City of Atlanta had come and cut down the one remaining oak on the street by the house – that sent me over the edge and I started crying before I could even get in the front door. I called mom and caught her on the way into the mall to talk about it. I finally calmed down. Talked with JT later, went to the bookstore, came home and read for a while with baseball in the background. Later, G called from Sparkle and we had a good conversation. Seems like things may be continuing to improve in that area of my life. In case, you don’t know, I love her so...
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