I called you back

I spend my days still spiraling about. I think of not getting married. Of what it would be like to not be married, to not have kids, to not take part in all of that. I feel that it is okay. I can live with that. I feel also that I am young enough to not have to work purely on that assumption just yet either. If you were to ask me when I met you, I would say we would’ve been pregnant twice over by now. We are still single and questioning and proper and interested.
I think I preferred it when you called me in the middle of your drunken nights. I think I liked the idea that you needed, wanted, desired me in some way, even in that altered state.n I want to break into the Icehouse lofts and press you against a wall again. I think you not calling me now is probably better for me, but I still liked waking, or not, and simply walking to the phone. There was that one desperate night when you called from sparkle and told me that if I would come get you, you would marry me. My intellect would not let me make that second overnight trip, but sometimes I wonder if I should have. I know it would’ve been for all of the wrong reasons, or that’s what I am supposed to say, or at least some, but I do believe that it could’ve worked. I love you, I think you do me, and whereas that is not enough, it’s a better start than most marriages.
I don’t want needy, I just want you. In my life tomorrow when I wake up. I want to make you smile. I want to make you feel safe and warm and happy.
There’s this little place within me that I cannot fill. I try and try and try. It’s part physical, longing and desire. I sometimes think I need to be further along than this. I then think there are reasons I am not.
I think, at times, it will be you or no one. I wish you would’ve told me you love me tonight. I wish that was within the realm of possibilities. I feel like you don’t because you don’t want to lead me on. Thank you, but I would prefer to be led on.
I wish I was laying beside you. I wish I did not want so much.
I wish life was perfect and simple and you would believe in me like you once did. I wish that you believed that life was good. That people can be better. That I was everything you ever wanted, like I have to believe you once did.
I wish I could just hold you, awake or sleeping now, and calm the storm in my heart, and just be simple, and stop sending these messages, stop writing on this stupid blog, and just tell you simply and sweet as you fall asleep, I love you, I love, I want, I dream.