The trouble with us is that we can’t be the same persons we were. Like back when you carved our initials in the wet cement down by the architecture firm. Like when I was the maniacal free-spirit that you fell in love with while I was dating someone else. I couldn’t continue dating that other someone because I wanted you, to be with you. I know it’s strange. You wanted it to at the time, but we couldn’t remain those people, could we? The drinking, which was a novelty at first, wore thin on you. I guess it just wore me thin. I became so one-sided and hyper-emotional. I gave in to the worst tendencies, all the while begging you to save me. Was I changing or just revealing myself? I don’t really know.
I like to think I knew you when I first met you, that the decision to drop so much and go headlong into that thing we had was made with perfect knowledge. You revealed yourself too. In so many beautiful and delightful ways, but in a few dark and horrifying ones as well. I try to keep the bad ones in mind too now as I continue trying to recover from the fallout. It keeps me in check when I want to idealize you, idealize what we were together. But oh, it’s the good things, the fun things that tend to create a chorus loud enough to drown those dark things out, and it is that sirens’ chorus that I become entranced by too often.
Is it really trouble though, that we have changed? I don’t really know. I guess it all hurts less now. The depression caused by the relationship ending, and the depression I carried around for many years before that, have, through much effort, dissipated. I sense a calm about you too that I never had before when we are able to spend time together. The conversations we have now, I feel, are more honest and meaningful than much that we had while together. The person I believe you are now is possibly more attractive to me than the one I met in Summer ’03. I realize that my hopes of us finding our ways back to each other may run the risk of ruining all of that. I cant help but want to gamble on the possibility that it would be so much better than before though: the best parts of us now, coming together with the best of what we were. I know it’s a long shot. I tend to think about it too much, to what detriment to other parts of my life I don’t know. It doesn’t hurt really anymore, it burns now, in a way that makes me feel more alive.
You told me at La Casita last week that you were finding your path right now. I am happy that you are. Don’t hate me if I strategically place myself at certain crooks in the road. Let me know if I am too much. Tell me to walk away and I will.