sumo

I am up tonight and you don’t know why, and I am up and it does not matter and I wish that you were asleep or ready to be so, or waiting up in that room for me. You are so small, but this me, whose experience has been like wrestling a much larger creature. Rilke says the only way that we grow is by being beaten time, and time again, by a much larger opponent. Maybe that is God, or it is ourselves. I don’t know, G. I just know I miss you in my life on this night, like on so many others. You only knew me and your sister in this town for so long, and I know more, but it is almost like I only know you.
I hate that pillow now. Your hips and warmth are the only thing that can suffice at these late stages.
I don’t have to have you. I want to have you. I don’t have to love God, I just do. I don’t need you, baby. I want you. Did you hear that? I want you. I don’t know when you will receive this. I don’t know how you will feel about it.
Know that I have never been full of shit. Know that it always sounds. It, with a clapper- maybe you as the clapper, that has broken this bell, and you as the clapper that can provide the healing salve.
I kind of hope you never read this. But why will I not remove it?
You were/are everything that this boy could ever want.
I love you, G.