About all I have watched on TV since August has been sports. It allows me to do other things while it is on. I can read write. I occasionally watch PBS and only on rare occasion a movie (I don’t subscribe to Netflix anymore, financial concerns and the lack of an adequate and enjoyable movie-watching partner caused that). At first, I couldn’t bring myself to watch the shows that we used to watch together. I was thankful that you didn’t like sports, because it was something that was just mine, something that I could enjoy more now that you aren’t around. I feel now as if it has been a bit of sports overdose. Today was Super Bowl Sunday and I went over to Scott and Morgan’s to watch it projected onto a large wall in their living room. I am glad the Steelers won, I have always been a passive fan. As with all once-annual events though, it has me measuring out my time. I can’t remember what we did on Super Bowl last year, but I remember one year going over to Julie’s house. It was the year of the infamous nipple slip – two years ago. I remember those times being fun and trying at the same time. I don’t really think either one of us felt like we really fit in there, and because of that feeling we were as one. It felt nice, although now I don’t really know if I should have chosen to cut people up so much. Ultimately I was only calling attention to my own deficiencies.
I guess these once annual events make me think about all that has happened. Where we are now. The joy, the sorrow and the pain. I enjoy my privacy now. I even enjoy my alone time. I enjoy controlling what I am going to do on most nights as well. I still miss you though. I still am so lonely some of the time. As I mentioned in another post, there is still this darkened cavern within me that once was filled with light and warmth. Granted, there are points of light inside of me that you don’t even know about since they have come about since the breakup. They have little to do with you being in or out of my life, but more to do with the kick-in-the-ass that the breakup was to me, a tidal force pushing me to become a better man. Yes, I still miss you, especially on Sunday nights like this. Ultimately sports can get me only so far. Nothing was ever simpler than the good night with you on the sofa, TV on, mind at ease, and your feet in my lap. That’s the origin of loneliness and love.