Fear

Talking to S tonight, she finally got the final sign off. She got the “thanks for the 5 years but it is over for good now.” I guess I know how that feels, and I conveyed that to her. She said that she understood there were lessons lying beneath but that she really couldn’t think about that right now, that the hurt was too much. I told her the lessons would come, and that she need not understand them now, nor could she really even begin.


She talked about a hit to the self esteem, about how she felt so low right now – about how five years had passed and all she could do was think of the professor. I also understood that. I told her that that would improve also. She probably didn’t want to hear that either, or could not take any comfort in it. My demeanor and self esteem is improving, folks. I still wonder if there will ever be someone who comes in and takes me totally and completely like G did. I sure hope so. I sure hope that is possible, and I believe it is. I will live my days thinking it is possible. It is all I can do. If it doesn’t, I will rest knowing that it happened once at least, and all the stories I hear seem to say that many don’t even have that.
I need to leave this house before I have more nights here without her here than I had with her. Let this place ultimately be ours, because it could never really be mine. Concrete this memory and close a chapter, no matter how hard that may be. There’s always hope although it may be aimless at this point, purpose will eventually come.
I want to listen to slow, sweet mountain music tonight as I go to sleep. I want high lonesome sounds to start my dreams, and I want them to be sweet dreams. Yes, very sweet dreams.
“I ain’t turning back to live that old life no more.”
Was playing: Wagon Wheel by