Thanksgiving

One of the biggest things that holidays are for me is a time to measure out change; to see where you have come, how much your life has changed since the last time that holiday rolled around. Thanksgiving also gives us the chance to take a look at what we are thankful for, perhaps through the lens of that time measurement.
I decided not to go to Durham for Thanksgiving this year. It was not easy to just take the offer of that safety, security and support, but I felt like I needed to stay in Atlanta to prove something to myself. New friends had invited me to Thanksgiving dinner, and I felt that being able to decide to stay here for the holiday showed a substantial amount of progress in my recovery from the break up, and the formulation of a new life that I have been attempting lately.

Obviously my life has changed quite a bit since last Thanksgiving. I am still in the same house, but probably not for much longer. I still have mostly the same friends, and a few new ones, but some of my friends I am not allowed to see or communicate with in the same way that I used to. Things have become much more complicated in some ways, while at the same time more simple in other ways. Much hardship and pain has occurred. Much thought, revelation and clarity has resulted as well.
Last year I spent the one day I had off for Thanksgiving in Spartanburg with G, having dinner, playing music, and eventually deciding to stay the night and drive back to work the next morning. The dinner was at the house her cousin S would move out of a month later, and G and I slept in two twin beds in E’s upstairs bedroom. I woke up the next morning and rushed back to Atlanta to work, still very excited and committed to the job.
The heartache that I have been through since that time a year ago has been well-documented here, so I will spare you any more on that subject right now. Just know that it still hurts, but not like it once did, and that I am much more clear-headed and hopeful than I have been in a while, and certainly than I was a year ago. I would like to thank so many people for helping me through all of this, and for the things that you have given me all along, that I have only recently been able to really appreciate.
Thanks to the doctor for helping me begin to dig through the layers of me, to identify the good and the bad and to start to make the changes I need to make to become whole. I have discovered so much about myself under your care – things that I would never have found out without our intensive and frequent discussions.
To my new friends, thanks so much for opening your hearts and homes to me over the holiday, and during the last several weeks. Thanks for helping me realize that life does indeed go on, and that just when you thing things have stagnated, that you know all that you can know about this life, there are so many more things to be thought, seen and experienced.
To my old friends, thanks for standing by me through all of this. Thanks for listening to the thousands of over-analyzations, and endless expressions of the same emotions over and over again. You had confidence that things would get better and patience enough to wait for that to happen. You also would never let me get too down on myself, and you helped me realize what I mean to you guys, and therefore not to take too much of a hit to my confidence. You have been my biggest supporters and fans, and I want you to know that I am yours as well.
To my family, I want to thank you for being there throughout all of the stuff as well. No one else could empathize in the way in which you guys have, and I know it has been painful for you guys as well. Painful to see me hurt, and painful because of certain hopes and dreams of yours have had to be readjusted as well. I feel like we have all gotten to know each other better through all of this, and that is definitely a good side effect. I am sorry I didn’t make it home for Thanksgiving, but thanks for understanding my reasons. I will be home for Christmas soon, and for a good little while. I am looking very forward to it.
Finally, I would like to thank G. Thanks for two good years of life. Thanks for the last year, even though I realize it wasn’t always good times, especially for you. Thanks for helping me realize that love like what we had is possible, and that I should settle for nothing less. Thanks for being my biggest fan for a while. Know that I was, and still am in many ways, yours. Thanks for sharing your life with me for a little while, I am only just starting to realize what a benefit it has been to my own life.
Know that I love each and every one of you guys. I would like to hug all of you right now. Maybe I will throw a party soon and even the out-of-towners will make it. Maybe we’ll do it the backyard. Maybe we can find a way to all get together and over a grill, some music, and conversation I can start to give a little back of what you guys have so willingly given me. Know that I want to.