The things they didn’t tell you when you checked into this world… it was all printed in a booklet given to your mother just after you had descended the birth canal and she was in no state to be the keeper. It was written in type way too tiny for little baby eyes to read anyway. They intentionally keep this information from you, and you eventually learn the hard way. There will be no repairs, refunds or exchanges for certain types of damage caused by misuse, or any of these other scenarios:
1) Death of a parent: Such as while my world was beginning to fall apart at the beginning of August, my college girlfriend’s dad lay dying, finally to pass on Aug. 5th. I found this out yesterday via email. D, the college girlfriend, is now a psychologist and a tough girl, but I feel so sad for her as I know, although we are constantly being prepared for dealing with the death of parents (it is something we know is coming), it never seems to be the right time… never. It can’t be, and no amount of therapy can prepare us for that grieving.
This is the third friend of mine whose parent has passed in the last 2 years, and there’s another whose father is slowly trying to recover from a stroke. I guess this is the age we are at, early to mid 30s, starting to get things figured out (we hope) and then those stalwarts of normalcy (for most of us) start to drop and we are sent reeling again. It’s times like these, and I will say it, I hate death. I really do. I do not fear death so much anymore, but I hate it for those who have to survive. This is part of the warranty that they didn’t tell you about. It was in fine print.
“There will be no refunds or exchanges for parts of your life spent grieving, or time lost with your parent, or because of their death. Buck up kid, get used to it. Life sucks and that’s why this is all written is such a tiny font. We hoped you would never find it. – The management”
2) Broken hearts: There are certain circumstances in which your heart may seize and stop working or functioning properly. In these cases of mechanical malfunction, medical science now allows us to try to repair the damage, or find a replacement if one is available. However, for total heart breakdown, especially the kind caused by misuse, there are no refunds.
Going through what I have been lately, I wish I could write the management and give them a little tongue-lashing. This is not right. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It wasn’t supposed to hurt like this. It was supposed to be easier. It was supposed to be magic. Right?
Oh, and then there is the fine print:
“There will be no refunds, exchanges or repairs for broken hearts caused by the owner’s misuse or overuse. We cannot be held responsible for all of the stupid things you will do for love, and the situations you will allow yourself to get in. Get used to it buddy. By the time you head our way, we expect that the cholesterol or the failed attempts at lasting love will have gotten the best of your heart, that tattered old bag. If s/he doesn’t love you, s/he doesn’t love you. There’s nothing much you can do about it. Your heart will just have to take the blow. Rest assured that the blow will be felt by all eventually though. That is the only comfort we can offer. – The management”
Oh, there’s more of it. Much of it has to do with no warranty for things like miscarriages, lost innocence, crazy significant others, bad vacations and other such things. And then on page 42 of the booklet, there’s a final note about memory:
“We are aware of a severe problem with memory. It seems to work too well when you don’t want it to, and not well enough when we do want it to. This will cause, respectively, continued angst and depression (see page 13 for related condition ‘Broken hearts’ and page 21 for related scenario “Death of a parent’), and much frustration. This memory malfunction goes so far as to make things you always hoped you would remember vanish in an instant, or worse to come back as not so good a memory, or a possible good memory brought up at the wrong time, which leads to depression, longing, and lack of fulfillment. Memory will also make you think many times that the best is always behind you (e.g. high school was the best time of your life), when in fact that is generally not the truth at all. These problems with memory have been duly noted, and at this time there is no fix. In fact, the company department responsible for research and development of memory has been disbanded, so your memory will continue to screw you for much of your life. We have generally provided a memory that will not outlast your lifespan though, so that later in life you will be able to live for a period of time without all of these memory woes. This was done on purpose and we hope you can take a little comfort in that. – The management”
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