Sitting in this room that I have known for years, yet now looks nothing like the one in which I put you to bed those nights. Kissing you on the cheek. Then I wanted to go to sleep, as I did just after the sky fell and I started my medication. Those nights when slumber came so easy knowing that you were still there, in there, waiting for me. We would awake in the morning, and like the night before go out on the porch, and it would be cold, and we would smoke cigarettes and the cold would work up through our feet to our head and it would be like drinking a milkshake too quickly before we became mutually lactose intolerant. I haven’t figured out the pill for that. Or were we just intolerant, and irritable, and the pharmaceutical companies haven’t yet made a cure for those things.
Now I sit here in this bed, and it is me this time, and it is late, and I realize that indeed the sky is still there, the world is round again. I am not falling, I am not falling, I am not falling! But falling in love was so much easier than falling out of, and so in one sense I am now, as always, falling a little. Round and round and round, like the cosmos are really settled in quicksand. Whoa!
Today though a little glimmer of hope. Things I need to do. Karma cleansing. No, I haven’t made up for all the lies I told yet! I haven’t even figured out what they all were, but I am trying. An 8 year old boy’s birthday, watching the sheer joy of him whizzing by on a go-kart/bumper boat, and for a while innocence was mine as well. Watched him eat a burger and then the birthday sundae that he didn’t even want, just rather the song from the waiters that had all of the adults wanting to crawl under the table except me, because I was the boy. I was there. I was not the lonely man eating at the table by himself, or at the bar, drinking by himself. I was the little boy with a sundae I did not want to eat, but had to get in order for the order of things to stay constant, predictable… orderly… like it never was to begin with. So I await, wait, wait, wait until one day it happens, like a stranger it walks in from the cold. I’m innocent again. I am free…saved!
Or do I just get on with it? Or without?
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