Today was a departure from the norm lately. I awoke again to no Diet Coke (things I seemed to always take care of when G was in the house have become, apparently, less urgent now), no cereal today either. I had to go to my therapist earlier today than usual, an 11 AM appointment. Afterwards, I had lunch with T and then came back home to work. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just a day, too much time spent again on technical issues.
Later in the late afternoon/early evening G called and we talked and I broke down a bit. I try so hard not to. I want to be strong and good and something worthy of her, or anyone else’s for that matter, affection. I think I have been walking through this week trying to steer a middle path between the peaks and valleys that I have been experiencing lately, and today it all just came to a head, I had to let out the missing and sadness that was still inside. I had even broken down during my session a little earlier in the day. I think it was the first time I had allowed myself to really think about the situation in a few days. I had managed to distract myself for much of the week with various technical issues and projects.
The conversation with G was up and down. She was irritated that I was still so sad. It seems to me that sometimes there is comfort for her in my sadness, and at others it really bothers her. I am doing so much to get better in so many ways, to become a better man, create the promise of a better life for myself. I feel good about the headway I am making. I wish I could just show her those things and not so much of the sadness. I wish I could just keep that to myself.
I went to dinner with T and L again tonight and T departed early for a poker game. I stayed around with L for a while after, and told me she thought I should do something for myself right now – her suggestion was a week long Outward Bound experience. I am thinking I need to throw myself into writing more and working on my music instead. Maybe seek out some volunteer opportunities so I can get outside of myself for a while and feel like I am giving something back.
L thinks that I look and seem very happy right now. I am not sure exactly what she is seeing but I think it has to do with the feeling that I am getting a much better grip on so many parts of my life that I had previously been neglecting. I feel hopeful about my personal future, and my capability of handling whatever is thrown at me. I just wish I could feel such optimism and control over a future with G. I know I have no control there though. She told me today that it would be a long while, if ever, before we will be able to reconcile. I realize I am doing the work I need to do for myself, and taking care of the things that the breakup brought to my attention. I am well on the road. I don’t know how long the trip will be either, but I do not think that a “long while” is what I would be thinking. It was then that I realized that it is not about my recovery so much anymore. Sure I need to keep working on the depression, dependency, and staying off the hooch – but I am going to do that no matter what. I realized today that the “long while” comes from G and is more about her. It is about her getting better and the time that will take, and about her figuring out some things. I had made the mistake all along in this of thinking that if I somehow could correct most or all of the problems that she would come back to me. How wrong I was. I didn’t take her feelings, problems and issues into account. And even if we both get all of the bases covered again, it still may be too late. I don’t like the thought of it, but guess that I need to at least start to consider it.
G has gone to Columbia to party with her friends this weekend. I was anticipating being very worried while she was gone, but, at least tonight, I am really not too concerned. I realize anything that she is going to do, she is going to do. I can not want it, and pray for it not to happen, but that won’t keep it from happening. I know so much about her, but there are sides of her that I will never know. That’s the nature of it all, I guess with anyone.
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