days like today are so good, but so hard. Steve often asks me what it would be like to stop seeing you. It’s hard for me to imagine when he does ask me these things. The best word I can come up with is lonely. Even though I have all of these other friends around, none of them would make me feel lonely like you would, should we stop seeing/talking to each other. I know that we don’t feel the same about these things. Sometimes I think I am too available, possibly annoying, to you. That I should play hard(er) to get, but that would imply you are trying to get me, which you are not, the pursuit and persuasion is purely my territory. So yeah, I enjoy these days like today. Every minute of it. Mainly because there are few if any who get me like you do. Who already start laughing at something I am going to do, even before I do it. But I still think that I live in some fantasy world when it comes to seeing clearly what you are. Not that you aren’t wonderful, it’s just I find myself talking about you differently during therapy (if you think you are not a primary topic of discussion every Tuesday at noon, you would be mistaken). I feel at times like your mad at the world mentality is shaded more toward men than women. I feel like you think men are somewhat useless and disposable. I know you regard me highly, but I remember when you told me during the breakup about the stuff you...
I spend my days still spiraling about. I think of not getting married. Of what it would be like to not be married, to not have kids, to not take part in all of that. I feel that it is okay. I can live with that. I feel also that I am young enough to not have to work purely on that assumption just yet either. If you were to ask me when I met you, I would say we would’ve been pregnant twice over by now. We are still single and questioning and proper and interested. I think I preferred it when you called me in the middle of your drunken nights. I think I liked the idea that you needed, wanted, desired me in some way, even in that altered state.n I want to break into the Icehouse lofts and press you against a wall again. I think you not calling me now is probably better for me, but I still liked waking, or not, and simply walking to the phone. There was that one desperate night when you called from sparkle and told me that if I would come get you, you would marry me. My intellect would not let me make that second overnight trip, but sometimes I wonder if I should have. I know it would’ve been for all of the wrong reasons, or that’s what I am supposed to say, or at least some, but I do believe that it could’ve worked. I love you, I think you do me, and whereas that is not enough, it’s a better start than most marriages....
The trouble with us is that we can’t be the same persons we were. Like back when you carved our initials in the wet cement down by the architecture firm. Like when I was the maniacal free-spirit that you fell in love with while I was dating someone else. I couldn’t continue dating that other someone because I wanted you, to be with you. I know it’s strange. You wanted it to at the time, but we couldn’t remain those people, could we? The drinking, which was a novelty at first, wore thin on you. I guess it just wore me thin. I became so one-sided and hyper-emotional. I gave in to the worst tendencies, all the while begging you to save me. Was I changing or just revealing myself? I don’t really know. I like to think I knew you when I first met you, that the decision to drop so much and go headlong into that thing we had was made with perfect knowledge. You revealed yourself too. In so many beautiful and delightful ways, but in a few dark and horrifying ones as well. I try to keep the bad ones in mind too now as I continue trying to recover from the fallout. It keeps me in check when I want to idealize you, idealize what we were together. But oh, it’s the good things, the fun things that tend to create a chorus loud enough to drown those dark things out, and it is that sirens’ chorus that I become entranced by too often. Is it really trouble though, that we have changed? I...
It’s possible for me to be attracted to others, to feel a sexual impulse, to even like them as a personality, but I find it impossible to really feel a true intimacy with anyone, and I don’t seem to desire it with anyone other than you. It’s not hard to go through the motions for a little while, but eventually it starts to seem hollow, I feel trapped and don’t know how to get out. Perhaps this is how you felt that last year with me. I just feel that I didn’t do something right with the only person I seem to want to do it right with, and I finally feel like I am capable. I have to figure a way into relief soon. I am not getting any younger but the dreams are getting more vivid and they bring me to a different, new longing....
Recent Comments