Laying in the living room of this Chicago flat tonight, I lie on this air mattress and dream of you resting beside me. There are not enough pillows for me to hug you the way I do on a normal night. There are not enough ways for me to describe what all of this means. I am relegated to this room because you are not here and will not be and that will be better for the enjoyment of these boys, but I long for a day in which you are back here with me. Your smiling face meeting their smiling face. They do love you, you know? It was told to me tonight as being so. I realize now, and finally, that you are not the vampires with which I tend to tarry these days. I never wanted to suck you dry. I feel, and Robert agrees, that you have my best interest at heart. All of the other women want me for them. You, to the extent that you want me, want me for the both of us. I want that too. I wish I could teleport you beautiful and perfectly tanned ass to this room as I am writing this. Not for sex, or even conversation, just for a cuddle and an affirmation that I have never had it better, and maybe you have never had it better...
You are organic to me, so much like earth and water and air – good stuff, like those things at the Grand Canyon perhaps, or Macchu Picchu, where I imagine awe-inspired peace. To be around you like last night is to find so much comfort. It has always been that way, from the beginning, even the times when it may not have been like it. Those times I was a boy on a playground having issues with the strength of my feelings. I apologize again. If you would have asked me in October would we be able to spend time like we do now in July, I would have completely dismissed any such speculation. This is still like a dream to me, like you are at times, like the Grand Canyon can only be to me right now as well. I honestly thought that this could never be. That we would drift further and further from each other until we were just specks on the horizon of our pasts. I am glad the sea changed and brought us back closer, and into better focus. My aching heart has not fully mended. Sometimes I feel like there is only one thing that can make that happen. But I have joy. Joy in the fact that I have attacked my problems and gotten most of them under control, and joy in the fact that when I returned with these repairs that you were willing to let me back in. Even though it is not completely what I want, I am so happy for us to get to spend time together the...
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