I cannot remember if I took my Gingko Biloba this morning.
I hope your feet are rested. I hope the baby was good. I hope your dreams are sweet. Tomorrow will be fine. Tomorrow will be fine. Wear your pride, your confidence, like a badge of honor. I wish that your supple back recline in slumber without a worry in the world. I wish for love to come into your life, for this world is more beautiful when your love is in...
I drive past your house tonight and you, most likely, have been in bed for a couple of hours already. I don’t even really know what I have been doing out in this night. Perhaps it is restlessness, maybe a search. I too am still looking for answers, ones that I expect will ultimately be impossible to lay my hands on, but that still will be found through the process. I know you are gaining your independence, you are feeling less tied to others, and on some level that feels good to you right now, as it should. I know that you feel so let down by so many too. I wish that you didn’t have to feel that way. I know that I play at least a small part in that feeling and I am sorry that I could not have been light and positive substance and uplift. I am sorry I was such a destructive force. I think you have tried to forgive me, but have yet to be able to fully do so. I hope it will come one day. To that end, I do not want to continue to burden you. I feel like you are so full of rage lately that you have very little patience for me, and I hesitate to even mention it for fear of being seen, once again, as another burden. I do not want to be that for you. I feel that despite your independence, and the positivity therein, you are still so fundamentally sad and angry on many levels. Although I realize that it is futile to even...
Oh my god! I am opening up the Samuel within me. I want to make that night so scatological. I want to piss on dreams. To make it real. I read you when I did not know what I was reading. They say Dickens takes experience. Oh, they did not consider you. Through all that piss and shit and fornication I realize that you got to something real. I am glad those books descended and I have learned how to read you. I think love, actually, lies somewhere in those...
You will be so outstanding. You deserve this. I don’t even think I understand the thing that has been bequeathed to me. I have thought about moving back there to be with those kids. I miss you so much. I am sorry I ever lied to you. Thanks for believing tonight that I was real. I try to be. I want to be that. I think that that is where I am supposed to be. I wish that you would make me yours, so I might make you mine. That is the only way this can happen. You will not get this until Monday; of course my desire will not change. My feelings have never faltered. You have always been the one. I want to meet Clary. Maybe...
It’s storming in Elijay, and in Antietam the blood still seeps into the ground, and in that stormy place the water will seep, once the storm abates. And out through my bladder, and further through the urethra, the chemical remnants of the medication will make it into this city’s water supply and it too will become null. You see, I am up to my old tricks again, falling apart for the night, wanting something that I cannot seem to provide myself. And there is no game I can play to bring me my heart’s desire, as its aching is for something otherworldly and indeterminate that I thought could be found in others. Alexander Graham Bell, creator of vexing things, beautiful things, things that bring bad news, frustration and such great joy. I am looking at myself in the mirror now where I find a stranger just as I did when I was 11 and first became estranged from myself. The battlefield was apparently muddy there, after days of rain followed by foot traffic, then the blood came and mixed with that rainwater, and medicinal salves for the wounds in the souls of men. I am trying to conjure spirits when they want to sleep. They speak to me long enough to beg for peace, and I try not to hear their pleas. I want those soldiers to rise up and pity me tonight, when I should find my way to tomorrow, when I should just let them have a well-deserved...
Do you know tonight that JT has been here? I saw that you called earlier. We’ve been doing the thing that we do… out with family, beautiful family, and children. You knew me when his father died. Still as close as I’ve ever come. I guess it will all come to haunt me one day. I think I know god these days, but I am not sure that he has prepared me for that yet. Do you also know that the nights we spent in this bed, we became locked in rhythm? That’s a funny word. Doesn’t even look right on paper. I could feel your heart beat through your back as I clenched you tightly, and you held me so close. Our hearts beat as one for a while there. I kissed your bare back, and would. J and I stared at a picture of you in Helen today. I know that was a disaster weekend, but you were so beautiful. We were trying to keep something alive amidst a sense of death. I loved you then as much as ever. I wish we cold have just simply slept together. That I could have simply felt your heart exploding through your spine and back, and into my heart, like I always thought you intended it to. Know that I have always loved you the most. Know that you taught me what it is to feel that. Know that your face turned my heart totally. You have power that I love, and embrace. I hear morning birds singing… for me, and for you. I love you so much,...
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