There’s a grade school game called ‘Telephone’ or something like that in which one person whispers into the ear of the next person, and that person into the next and on down the line of 20 or so people, until the last person is reached, and the original message which was something like, “Joe likes pizza” ends up being morphed into something more like “Joe licks panties.” Lately I feel that some people in my life have been playing that sort of game with some of the details of my life. They start with a small detail that comes up in a passing conversation, and it ends up being blown all out of proportion until I am having sex with the Queen of England or something like that. It seems as if it is a little way for fans of “General Hospital” to bring a little of that drama into their own lives. People, stop it! I want you as my friends, and I value as just that, but supposing you know what in the hell is going on in my life when you haven’t been privy to the information is just wrong. I have been really down as you all know lately, and the last thing I need to feel as if some people I hold dear to my heart are spinning yarns behind my back. I need your support and will gladly give mine if/when you need it. I try to be here for all of my friends. Please try to do the same for me. Don’t kick me while I am down. I have never met...
Talking to S tonight, she finally got the final sign off. She got the “thanks for the 5 years but it is over for good now.” I guess I know how that feels, and I conveyed that to her. She said that she understood there were lessons lying beneath but that she really couldn’t think about that right now, that the hurt was too much. I told her the lessons would come, and that she need not understand them now, nor could she really even begin. She talked about a hit to the self esteem, about how she felt so low right now – about how five years had passed and all she could do was think of the professor. I also understood that. I told her that that would improve also. She probably didn’t want to hear that either, or could not take any comfort in it. My demeanor and self esteem is improving, folks. I still wonder if there will ever be someone who comes in and takes me totally and completely like G did. I sure hope so. I sure hope that is possible, and I believe it is. I will live my days thinking it is possible. It is all I can do. If it doesn’t, I will rest knowing that it happened once at least, and all the stories I hear seem to say that many don’t even have that. I need to leave this house before I have more nights here without her here than I had with her. Let this place ultimately be ours, because it could never really be mine. Concrete...
“By and by,” I say, and she understands. She asks what I am doing for the Saturday night, and I say I thought I might spend some time working things out; a little time howling at the moon. She tells me I sound like a big old bear when I do that. We stand in the front yard looking at the first few stars that have appeared on this clear evening. “By and by,” I think, and I wonder what it really means. She tells me she felt love once, but it was some two or three years back and that is all gone now. Tomorrow they are calling for rain and I know it will. The clouds can be sensed in the clarity of the stars tonight. If the earth will be destroyed by fire the next time, I don’t want any part of it. A flood would be much nicer, could wash all of the scum off the street like in “Taxi Driver.” I think I still love her, know what that is to feel it like I do in my heart, or something like that. She questions, writes me off. I can tell in her eyes it hasn’t been the same for some time now. I guess she’s been leaving since the first day she really came. What’s this love that I try to define? She thinks she knows and I do to, and one of us feels it and the other doesn’t, but I don’t know if we could even begin to wrap words around it, if words are even possible. I push down two...
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